It Rained Again

It rained again today

And I loved it when it rained

‘Cause I stood in the depth of it

Limbs outstretched

Never concerned with becoming wet

But awed by the way

It washed over hills and

Like sweat over mounds of flesh

slammed against the earth's floor with vengeance

And removed all remnants

of confused love, malice, and hatred

And I stood in the depth of it

As it mingled my Father's love with my fears

Nimbus covered and delivered me with its tears

The sky opened its crimson arms wide to me

shined boldly on me

kissed me on the forehead

and with a hushed voice spoke to me

asked can I run wild with you

paint the sky another hue

although everyone else only sees blue

can I ask my brother the wind to carry you

my sister the moon to glow for you

and the stars to twinkle just a little

and grant one wish for you

And I stood in the depth of it

Because of course I said yes

I had imagined that

if he could do all that

then he knew how to love me

maybe even unconditionally

so I allowed the droplets

to ease down my cheeks

landing prophetically

and anointing me

while he speaks

nice-nasty to me

playing games with my mind

I heard him say – You Are Mine

And for a moment in time

I was subdued

As this was only a prelude

To him doing whatever it was

He desired to do

And my spirit became renewed

As he whispered

Can I soak in you

Can I drink from you

Can I taste you as the land opens itself

And bathes you

Allow me to touch every part of you

No harm will ever come to you

Just trust

That’s all I’m asking that you do

And I stood in the depth of it

Awed and amazed

Lens glossed over

with that crimson haze

all because I

refused to come in out of the rain

Mmmm,

I love it when it rains

© Erika Gresham 3.5.13

she only wants HIM

she only wants him
little ones crying
providing the background vocals
to nightime locals
who witness her sidestreet dance

but she only wants him
sashaying her hips and her soul
bold is she
prancing down back alleys
crouching on heels
that are delicate but feel
like rose stems & thorns

but she only wants him
pressing her back against
pissed stained bricks
trying to hold her breath
to avoid the stench
and suck at the same time

but she only wants him
jaws already sunken
flesh drained of color and life
but he holds onto her tight
clutching her dusty blond crown
clenching his teeth
and finally releasing
what he's been holding
and she's been wanting
for what seemed like forever
 it was only five minutes...
 it was only five minutes...

but it was only 5 minutes
as it bounces off her shoulder
finding its way to the
ground she scrambles like the rats
nearby to retrieve it quickly
making sure none of it
rolls into the concrete
crack
and as she drops it into her pipe
she's now sky high on the edge of life
where death whispers sweet
nothings in her ear
waiting for her to look back
over her shoulder
and chase that dream again
because he knows that
she only wants him

© Erika Gresham 2.27.13

Yeah I Know It's Been a Long Time...

My how I've missed this space! I've considered coming back several times, but I allowed distractions to come in and take up residence in my head. I'm sure someone out there can relate. Lol. However, that's neither here nor there, because today I decided to blow the dust off of this spot. Wow. I didn't realize it had been so long. Although I haven't been posting, I've continued to write, but I'm sure you know everything is not for everyone. So, if you were on this journey with me before, I'm glad you're still here. *all smiles* And for those who just happened to stumble across my page, feel free to stay, I'll be back shortly. Journey Light. 

Luv & Tearz

Rising Through Love [10/30]

Falling in love is not hard
Rising through love is the struggle
Staying through nights
that appear hopeless
Dismantling walls of pain
from past experiences
Persevering through someone else’s angst
because they are afraid to release
yesteryear’s contradiction
the hesitation left behind
because she was scandalous enough
to fuck yo childhood best friend
and the payback you dished out
by bringing home an outside kid
Naw falling in love is not hard
Rising through it is the struggle
never knowing what love really
looks like cause you’ve never been able
to pick it out of a crowd
nor what it taste like
cause of that bitter herb
left in your mouth
But contrary to the thought
It is not the scars left on the heart
By names like bitch or whore
Favorites like are you stupid
The words you will never be shit
Or you ain’t shit
Or you ain’t gon’ do shit
The names of other women
being called upon in his dreams
while you lay pretending to be asleep
The scent of another man’s cologne
Lingering in the air
when you enter your own damn home
Reaching under the bed
to retrieve the remote
that now lay beside
Someone else’s nasty ass underwear
Naw it ain’t none of that
But if that’s your story
what it is and what it can be
is learning to love all over again
understanding that the other season
had to end in order for you to meet
who was actually intended
as your very best friend
and then maybe
just maybe
you’ll understand
what being in love is
and how rising through love
feels

© Erika Gresham 1/3/10

My Wants [9/30]

My wants have not changed
I still seek, without searching,
someone who can give their all
physically, emotionally, mentally
It must be all of them or none at all
To only have a portion will leave me
continuously longing for more
You may capture my heart
Be able to speak to my mind
Show me and teach me those things I've missed
Those things I’ve yet to experience
But if you cannot master these simple things
than how can you command
my mind to full attention
dictate my body’s movements
its responses to your touch and needs
For once I know that you are indeed he
My affection is unyielding
My thirst is never quenched
and my appetite will only be fulfilled by you

© Erika Gresham 12/31/09

Untitled [8/30]

When I was troubled
I called you
When I was saddened
I called you
When I didn’t know what to do
I called you
But who do I call
When the problem is you

© Erika Gresham 12/26/09

Death Do Us Part [7/30]

As I stood in the corner of the room
with my finger on the trigger
I tried to remember
why you weren’t already dead
What could be done
that was not already said
Especially since I’ve lost count of the times
And yes I’ve been counting
The times I lied to my friends
About the bumps and the bruises
Coming up with foolish excuses
Counting the makeup sponges
I’ve thrown away
Counting the sticks of Fashion Fair Honey Bronze
I’ve purchased
Counting the numbers of hairs on your head
Counting the times you fell asleep before me
Counting the number of steps from our bed to safety
A place far away from here
Counting the number of bullets I might need
to make sure you don’t follow me
Apologizing for something that I never said
I asked you
begged you
Please don’t hit me
Please don’t kill me
Please don’t make me

Tired from the constant barrages of questions
The snatching away of clothes as I rested
The forcing of your tongue down my throat
Or your dry penis between my legs
And I’m suppose to like it
I’m suppose to be grateful
Thankful that you still want me
If no one else does
I’m suppose to ignore that my babies wake up
Checking my pulse every morning
Wondering is mommy dead yet
Asking why does she stay
Why does she just keep crying
Why doesn’t she fight back
And I pray to you
My new god
Because the one I was raised to believe in
Doesn’t hear me
Doesn’t save me
I fall on my face and ask you
Please don’t let my babies grow up
without their mommy
Please allow me to kiss your lips
so it can remind me
Of how you once loved me
Of how you adored me
But you just laughed
And I wish I had the strength
To walk away but I can’t
Because I still want you
Want you to want me
Love me
Stay with me
And I need you to tell me
How much you’ll always love me
Tell me damn it
Before the bullet passes
Silencing this time between us
Because I want to hear you say it
Until death do us part

© Erika Gresham 12/24/09

Hesitation [6/30]

Physically
I was available
Emotions on high
I was mentally disposed
To love all of you
Gave you the spare key
to my ideology on feelings
Stopped time to allow
You to survey my dimensions
Extract my inhibitions
Excavate my mental
And just be you
And I
me

But you hesitated
And deliberation and
second guessing
allowed time to
resurrect its routine and
I heard myself
clearly stating inwardly
I can take care of me
I can go back
to just loving me
the words snatching up
your trail of crumbs
left behind to return
back to me and
I’ll admit we share
enjoyable memories
a list of firsts
disclosures at dusk
time spent exploring
each childhood scar
with our fingers and
an exchange of stimuli
that consistently
elevated my thinking

But you hesitated
And the pause rendered
surroundings that
are now uncertain
and the compass
I presented to you
now supplies
indifferent directions
marking you a wanderer
wondering where is she
where’s the rest of me
never stopping to realize
that was just one key
to my entire being and
the other I’ve returned
to it’s hiding place
tucked it away safely
from all feelings and
I wanted to love you
I did
I wanted to love all of you
But the voices of discernment
Began to gnaw at me and
saying hush no longer
silenced them
so I challenged them

But you hesitated
Arching one eyebrow
and squinting the other
The question seemed
to be simple to me
an ambush to you
“What am I - to you?”
And right then I knew
But I engaged and
I pressed and
Your eyes spoke
a contradiction
that your lips
couldn’t amount to
but you tried anyway
Entering the line of fire
with inadequate counsel
fumbling for the right words
what sounds good
what you thought
I needed to hear
eyes locked to the
hardwood floors
trying to retrieve
what you could
and as if you spotted it
run under the edge of the bed
we just arose from
laid cradled in
I studied your face
mentally reaching and
clenching something
in your teeth and alas
the words fell from your lips
“I’m ready"

But you hesitated
And the door closed
Just before your words
Touched my ears and
I wanted to love you
I did
I wanted to love all of you
But I fear I no longer hear you
And the fact that it now comes easy
For you to say
you’re mentally disposed
to love all of me
Doesn’t really persuade me
So now I hesitate and
Find myself placing conditions
On loving unconditionally
Which before this
duel of confessions began
was the one gift I saved
for you from me

© Erika Gresham 12/23/09

Wisdom's Mother [5/30]

I want to run in fields
with sunflowers
the size of sequoia trees
Sit back to back
with wisdom’s mother
close my eyes and
see what she sees

Vanish into the
seams of the sky
Laugh hysterically
at my old habits and
adolescent thinking
As others attempt
to slide into her paradise
without first asking

Wondering if my
permission slip
was signed
or forged by
Arrogance
Infidelity
Malice
Deceit
They question me

And although
I’ll admit to wanting
to circumvent
the obstacles
set before me
Dodge the daggers
thrown at me
Ignore the insults
spoken to me

Even appear
without challenges
more intelligent
culturally centered
tolerance proof
and understand how
to love unconditionally

I recognized
without trying
That I eventually
allowed myself to
dream
Become a
clean slate
Open to
another’s journey
Primed for
new understandings
Painted by
an unknown love
And fed by
her creations
I allowed
wisdom’s mother
to teach me

© Erika L. Gresham 12/22/09

48 Hours [4/30]

Forty
Eight
Hours
A fraction of time
Printed boldly in Times New Roman
Streaming on the ticker tape of my mind
Altering my perception at 19
And changing my life
48 hours of contractions
No sedation
Prodded and poked
while running the last lap to
the finish line of gestation
a boy
a girl
a plan
God’s divine hand
Placed in my womb
chiseling the last of his face and

48 hours of nervousness and
hesitation
questioning God
like really?
Are you sure? and
answers coming back
with sharp pains
Then crowning me mother and
presenting me with roses of strength
Bond in a blanket
Placed in my arms
Sleeping peacefully
Making faces while dreaming and

48 hours of me smiling
insanely while sleeping
Never knowing til now
if it be Queen or King
He or she
Just glad my petition
Was granted by He
Just let ‘em be healthy
All ten toes
Ten fingers
a nose and
Eyes like mine
to stop me
From yelling when angry
Cause me to stop flinging words
That may hurt and think
Remind me that this is a part of me
The earth of me
The best of me and
That he
be blessed with the
ability to think
analytically
politically
individually
stand chin high
know his power
but sometimes I wonder
did I pray too hard?
lie too close to the floor?
because He gave me
all I asked and a little more
stubbornness
selfishness
a bit too much arrogance
and the ability to talk back
making me want to strike back
and often times I did
irritated by what looks abnormal
but is standard teenage ego tripping
and as 48 hours introduces itself
to two decades
I still struggle like I did then
struggle with this
man-child’s destiny
his independent thoughts
decisions I may not agree with
but must step back and
not interrupt life’s professors
what often appears
to me as acts to self destruction
inflicting more harm than good
in the name of making his own choices
growing pains that don’t seem to
spawn growth
but it his 48 now
his time to make decisions
his time to begin living
searching
constructing his own visions
that who I once called boy
is now on the hunt
to become man and
I just want him to grow
into his second name
Ashanti
A name that rest at
the head of a community
warriors,
fighters,
providers,
kings
I just want him to
open his eyes and see
but I can only sit back
Allowing the seed
I planted to breathe
and maybe his first
and middle names
shall meet
merge and formulate
the identity of a man
who can step boldly from
his own 48 hours
of alteration
knowing his life
will never be the same

© Erika Gresham 12/21/09

Drawn to You [3/30]

I’m drawn to you
Like moths to fire
Inhaling
Ingesting
Spitting
Eventually digressing
Intrigued by bittersweet
Childhood reflecting
of being kissed under
the monkey bars during recess
Changing mental channels
being chased down
Pinned to concrete
Man-child laughter
Then screams
Places mutilated
that had remained unseen
until age 13
because she thought
he loved her

I’m drawn to your
Bantering and ramblings
Righteousness and insanity
Politicking and cries for humanity
Even the porn star egomaniacal guarantees
Of superhuman endurance and strength
Wondering if you were swallowed
into the belly of a beast
then regurgitated to breath fire
Scorching all that exist
Smoke lingering somewhere
between demanding my
undivided attention
and verbal tongue lashings
sculpting a masterpiece
of what the world sees
but doesn’t want to believe
occurs on their white-picket fenced streets

I’m drawn to these
Her-storical fantasies
Capturing me between
Real and unseen
Nonfiction and imaginary
Giving me the passport
To places that have to be
As I’ve tittered on the edge
Of what I know is reality
Mixing ciphers with lavish dreams
That although may sound imagined
Give you the best side of me
cascading down my tongue
Over my vocal cords
with the smoothness of suede
slicing your perception
with words the strength
of a machete’s blade
because without these
symbolic styling
and metaphorical
tongue twisters
life would be
void of images
void of distinction
void of pain
void of healing
no color, just plain

I’m drawn to poetry

© Erika Gresham 12/20/09

Write [2/30]

I need to write
Because now
I can’t breathe
I mean
I’m breathing
But I’m not living
I mean
I’m living
But I’m not feeling
Not feeling the emotional rollercoaster
Vivian’s talking about
Cause I’m numb to it
Done with it
Done feeling the blues Billie always sung about
So maybe I should do what she did
And leave the world
Without thinking about how anyone else feels
But I can’t
I’m still breathing
I’m still living
And this numbness
Well this numbness is
A feeling
And it’s telling me to keep existing
So I
Need
to write

© Erika Gresham 12/19/09